Get your own
 diary at! contact me older entries

Saturday, Mar. 26, 2016 - 2:22 a.m.

Today, for the first time in recent memory's while, I stood in front of the mirror and danced. I've been having feelings intermittently and then they pass, as time isn't allowing me to hone in to my emotion's voices. They're eager to seep out all over these pages right now but I'm unclear what they are--take a moment.

Yiruma is playing in my ears. I can see his finger tips kissing the keys. It's those recognizable chords so perfectly new and refreshing. When I added his new album to mine, I had the feeling he was going to be the one to pull this out of me.

Last Sunday was the first time it hit me; I'm not going back to MN the same as I left five weeks ago. I was at that cafe and the sun was beating on me just right. Music was playing and i realized for that first time since I've been here that it all felt exactly right in that moment. Everything. As disjointed this all feels, it's exactly on par--it was exactly on par. Tensions have persisted but that moment ... it was blissful and it was the first hint that I made the right decision.

But my heart sinks when I think of home. When I call and see their faces, that tension pulls and i become uncertain all over again. Am I going to be too far away if something happens? She's sick. She needs a new heart. She's sad--she thought she was going to have a partner for life...and now another divorce. Her will she survive? What living will she complete? How will she move along? How will Nikki survive? Will she survive....

And that's it right there--will she survive? Everything else is...but that's the underpinning ache.

I see the illness in her eyes. I see the exhaustion. I see her grappling with a there a God? I see her questioning whether she's lived a life. I see her; that she's in fear. I see her push it all aside and smile for us. '''I've been needing these tears...just flow. That feeling when your tension hits between both eyes at the center of the brow...

This is going to be a very long road. I'm unclear of what the end will be. Where the end will be--will there be an end.

I need India. Rive rise and carry me back home.

There was a always a power I could feel. It was guidance telling me the way to go. But now a days I feel like can't hear that voice. I've been flying blind. i need you to come and be my eyes--be my eyes.

River rise. Carry me back home. I cannot remember the way. River Rise. Carry me back home. I surrender today.

I was always a charmed flower child. I would sit for hours and listen to sky.

But nowadays I feel like I don't have that choice. I been looking down in desperation. I need you to be my inspiration.

River rise. Carry me back home. I cannot remember the way.

River rise. Carry me back home. I surrender today

I bow down. And i humble myself. I can't do this. Lord I need your help. All the material things they feel like chains. If you're not here beside me, you're the reason I sing. Help me to remember the way.

You are the only way to help parse it out for me Ms.India. It continues to take new meanings and touches me the way it needs to touch me in that moment.

River rise and carry me back home.

It's time.




previous - next

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at!